I remember reading Waiting for Godot for our Metaphysics class.
Waiting itself has turned into an action independent of whatever desired end. It doesn’t seem to be an idle waiting. Ironic to suppose that waiting is not idle—for whatever else is it conceived to be?—waypoints between two significant events, without knowing that waiting itself is an event.
Waiting becomes existence-affirming.
I’m not sure if anybody agreed with my analysis of it. What we wait for is not the arrival of another event, what we wait for would be the end of waiting itself. Looking at it now, it seems that I didn’t really quite make much sense. I wasn’t aiming for something which would be logically irrefutable; that statement was glib, but at the time I spoke it, it seemed real; still, it seems true to me now. I am not waiting for something concrete, I am not waiting for an event far into the future (or near into any future; that there is no future, only the eternal present). I am within the act of continuous waiting, only occasionally interrupted.
I remember Wittgenstein remarking somewhere that nothing ever is illogical since logic is not a matter of the world, that it sets the boundaries of the world—nothing is illogical, but one could use faulty logic. Here I feel that my reasoning is faulty, but it doesn’t seem to matter to me any longer.
I’ll just wait. Perhaps something shall turn out. Something must…
I can’t pretend to understand you. I used to, but not now. It seems like all the awkwardness between us is getting more and more apparent. It’s almost corporeal and I feel its cold and unnerving touches all over me. I hate that it has come to this. We weren’t exactly the greatest of friends, but we had that kinship that merits respect. To be honest I can never trace the beginning of our camaraderie. We never shared anything in common, not even our tastes match, but somehow we ended up getting to know each other. And I ended up liking you. It makes no difference now that I look at it because I knew then how implausible it all was. Your numerous exploits does your reputation no good, but that isn’t to say mine does. Yours was just more well-known, more talked about, some even consider it charming. In your credit, you really are charming and it’s easy to see why people fawn over you. You are easy to like with all your wit and dry humor, and it doesn’t hurt that you look damn fine too. But what pulled me in the most was your ability to confuse me. I never found anyone quite like you. You’re unpredictable and difficult to chart; I wanted to be the one to figure you out. It was a game for both of us. You pretended to keep your distance and I pretended I didn’t want to breach it. Only now the game has become the reality. There is an expanse between us, full of unsaid words and ploys that never materialized. I only wish that you have the courage to end it because I can’t. I still hold dear the person you are in my imaginings and I would hate for that to go away. All I have of you are those memories and I feel it sacrilegious to forget those.
I am spending my holidays alone away from the city, away from all the busy streets and noisy nights. I’ve never craved for solitude as much as I do now.
I miss just sitting, or lying while reading an insightful book. I miss the pleasure of walking for the sake of it. I miss cold evenings where I stay cuddled in my bed, watching heartwarming movies. I miss not worrying about school, people I need to impress, and about waking up early.
And for a few days, I get to do just that. It may be just for a short moment, but I’ll make sure to indulge in it.
Thank you, universe, for the gift of aloneness and the peace that comes with it. Happy Christmas, indeed.
Only in memory can I touch you
Your strong, reassuring hands
Your warm skin
Your consoling lips
Our love only dwells in memory,
Or dreams. They are never real.
They exist only inside our heads.
You’re a cosmic joke I don’t find funny anymore
Particles floating endlessly into nothingness
And then, boom!
It expands and expands and then collapses from within
What can one do?
I was the victim of that explosion.
I should have known
I shouldn’t have let that particle materialize
I gazed into the stars
They remind me so much of your eyes
Infinite and innumerable
I stare at them
They stare back at me
I felt peace. I found comfort. I smiled.
You just keep on staring
And then, boom!
I saw how I meant little to you
Another Big Bang.
I looked at his eyes wanting to see sureness in them. His gaze is silent.
The silence which comes before a song, and that which comes after a song, and that which exists in-between the phrase, in the pauses of periods, the slight hesitation of commas.
And I found myself believing in the silence of his steady gaze.
I went out to search for an altar,
A real altar
An altar of violence and sacrifices,
The one that keeps the secrets of the gods
A real altar
Even the violence in the altar resorted into something
Flesh torn apart and blood splattered everywhere…
they meant something
I went out searching for an altar,
But all roads lead to you.
I heard you once say that you don’t know much.
I asked you…
Why don’t you know?
Why can’t you understand?
How come you don’t remember?
But there is nothing to remember. The mind remembers only those which are extreme.
Life and death. Happiness and loneliness. Misery and triumph. Love and apathy.
You answered me with such sympathetic gaze. As if I needed to be cuddled at that moment.
Your look is the look of pity.
There was a pang in my heart when you said those words.
I don’t know if I want this.
I am only good at loving things that can’t love me back.
sweater sadness (n.)
A kind of melancholic phase in which you become completely bereft of warmness which leads to a dawning awareness of the chill of life, a mood whose only known cure is through wearing warm sweaters.